So I meet up with at home C. earlier tonight. “Did you learn anything about yourself,” I ask her, not in any kind of mean way but a teasing way.
“Yes, actually,” she says. “Let’s talk.”
Never good words. Okay. I sit down.
She tells me that when she met me she was “swept off her feet,” that she thought we were both in sync in about certain things like being social and such. She mentions other good elements.
But, she says, she feels like she is not getting what she needs out of this relationship. That she … well, what she said next I’m still trying to get my head around. She felt that we were not good about discussing our feelings? I really wasn’t sure what she was saying, but figured I would be able to figure it out and try harder.
But… this wasn’t what she was trying to tell me. She is, basically, breaking up with me. Wha…? This, I did not see coming. We had just moved in together in June; had talked about how we felt about having kids just days ago.
I tell her if she had wanted to go to couples therapy, I would certainly agree to that. But it seems like her mind is made up, I tell her. She has been thinking about this for a “couple weeks,” she says. She just can’t see herself spending the rest of her life with me.
I’m pretty much stunned and ask her several times to explain what she sees as this deficiency in our relationship. I’m still not sure I understand completely, but she felt like “we” (that is to say, me) weren’t good at expressing deep emotional things.
I ask for examples… she says like when I had invited her to live with me, she at one point asked me why I was asking. I had told her that I would get to see more of her and that the kitties liked seeing her, too. She felt that these kind of silly comments were like a substitute for some deep emotional bond. And that, apparently, is something she really needs in a relationship.
Also: the weekend before last, she had written me a v. long, emotional e-mail about [a family issue]. I had responded that she was a great writer and I was proud to have her as my girlfriend, but hadn’t really engaged her on any of the emotional issues involved. (In my defense: I had been out that night with two attractive female friends, and so I thought it important to send her an email when I got home to let her know that I had indeed gotten home — not that she had any reason to worry, but in case she did. But I guess I was kind of tipsy when I responded).
Anyway, she is right that I am just not very good about opening up to people on a deep emotional level. I read her a quote from Hugh Grant that opens one of my fav. memoirs, Cad: Confessions of a Toxic Bachelor by Rick Marin. “People say, ‘Dig deep into your emotions,’ and I find I don’t have any depth or any particular emotions, so it’s very tricky.”
I am also kind of proving her point by being especially unemotional during all of this. I’m not angry, or bitter, or sad, or what have you. (All emotions, actually, I had felt during previous breakups). I don’t cry or raise my voice. I’m just kind of stunned. At one point she even cries, briefly, and tells me she loves me.
There’s a part of me that wants to try to change her mind. To ask for a second chance. But if she’s so ready to throw in the towel … I grab my keys and head out for a run.
🙁
wish i were smart enough to offer advice.
good luck, derek.
ask for a second chance! what do you have to lose? …
Well … maybe second chance isn’t the right phrase. She did not see it as anything I did wrong – just a question of us being two different people. I actually feel like I was pretty good about being an attentive boyfriend … and really had no idea she felt this way or had this unmet need in our relationship. She never told me – just ended things. I kinda feel like I should not have to persuade the person I’m with to stick around, y’know?
I’m shocked and stunned. I don’t get it. She should give you a second chance, or at least talk about things. You’re living together, right? This is all very strange. Maybe there is more to it.
And you may be emotionally deep, just unable to express that until you trust her more. I don’t get this at all. You seemed like a good couple. I feel nauseous. I’m so sorry.
I’m sorry Derek. I could tell you were really into her.
I counsel men in similar situations all the time.
My take, based only on what you said, is that her difficulty relating to her father is the root. It is about her, not about you.
Those women who do not have strong emotional bonds to their fathers, or did not see demonstrated a loving relationship when they were growing up, are not women who typically will be successful relating to other men.
I know you are fond of her, but I fear, and I have seen it over, and over, that she will not be emotionally available to any man, based on her history with her father.
Train wreck coming!
Your choices are to move on to a woman that is worthy of your love and attention, or stick around for the inevitable emotional abuse that you will suffer, over, and over and over.
This is NOT a relationship built on equality. Unless you want to do all the heavy lifting for the rest of your life, unless you are ready to be “not quite good enough” over, and over and over. then RUN, don’t walk.
Value all advice at cost, and YMMV.
You seem to be an upright, thoughtful gent, even though we dont’ agree politically.
mark
I feel like it is that it is almost just the opposite actually — that she is the much more emotionally available one in this relationship. But I don’t think I have been emotionally unavailable or aloof, just maybe not as hyper-emotionally available as she wanted?
“I know you are fond of her, but I fear, and I have seen it over, and over, that she will not be emotionally available to any man, based on her history with her father.”
No offense, Geezer, but please take your $125-an-hour canned trite nonsense elsewhere – it hurts people more than helps, as you know nothing about this girl, and very little about the relationship.
To say that Derek will never get what he wants, that she will never have a good relationship, and that it relates to her father, is all crap. Or it may not be, but you have not met her. I went to a therapist once who peddled the same yutzy nonsense until he got to know me and then decided he was wrong. Don’t make snap judgments.
Everything that happens in someone’s life is not due to, or poisoned by, their relationship with their father or mother.
I image the situation is more complex than whatever your last nine similar case studies told you.
I’m sorry to hear that. I’m surprised she wasn’t willing or able to make some attempt to work through it a bit after (finally, it sounds like) bringing it up. If it isn’t something you were aware of beforehand, and she didn’t let you know how it made her feel until it was too late, it’s a damn shame. Communication is so crucial to any healthy relationship — I wish she had had the courage and/or strength to tell you sooner and to give you a chance once to work on it once she told you.
wow, Derek. That’s rough. I’m very sorry to hear about the breakup. I wish I could offer something more constructive to say but I’m also baffled.
Bummer. I’m sorry, Derek. I kind of flaked on a guy once out of the blue like this. I couldn’t explain why or what sparked it. I just kind of freaked and bolted. I’m friends with him still, much to his credit for being understanding and forgiving. I wish the best of luck to you on this unexpected life change.
kambri, can you explain it now? it might give some insight to the lovelorn…