Okay, so I’ve done my best to entertain y’all with my theories of who pays for dates, dating Jewish chickas, the three-day rule, and how much to spend on engagement rings. Now I feel it is time to bite off the big enchilada — sex and dating.
Once Mofo, his then-g/f and I had this funny conversation where she recounted with mock-distress how he had attempted to bed her early in the relationship. His response was classic: well, no matter how many times we have sex, there’ll always have been that one missed opportunity.
Like him and most guys, I guess, I am one for seizing the day, living for the moment, and all that. Who needs delayed gratification?
There are various three date rules. Weirdly, though, there doesn’t seem to be much agreement if the rule is you wait three dates at least, or three dates at most. I guess people’s dating philosophies are all so different…
Still, among the guys in my circle of friends, the rule is basically that by the third date there needs to be some nookie — not necessarily the whole kit and caboodle, but definitely something more intimate than making out in the back seat of a taxicab.
I admit I have not always followed this rule (last fall, against the Mofo’s advice, with v. hot girl). I further admit that said girl turned out to be “confused” about her “sexual identity.”
To me, the best argument for the three-date rule (as I’ve articulated it here) is that every long-term relationship I’ve ever been in began with us wanting to tear each other’s clothes off. There was none of this waiting ages and ages to “get to know each other” — things always progressed very quickly.
Therefore, I feel the three-date rule is ignored at one’s own peril.
I’d just like to clarify that I *did* bed my ex early in the relationship, Rico Suave that I am…
I think she made you wait for the second date, correct?
Not to sound slutty, but I’m all for if the guy turns me on, why wait. (shrugs) Then again, I’m so picky I don’t date often, so chances are good that if I said yes, it’s cause you make me squirm.
And that was probably too much info.
I’m blushing by all this talk. I thought this was a newsman’s blog. Newsmen don’t get the nookie I thought…
Call me old fashion, but there’s something beautiful, traditional, and a hell of a lot safer by waiting until marriage.
Why does there have to be a rule? Can’t people make it up according to the circumstances and what feels right? What feels right in terms of timing can vary tremendously with each relationship.
So are you married, Meredith? I have a friend who (I’m pretty sure) did that. I respect that choice … but it’s not for me!
Dana, it’s not like this is a rule rule … but the “three dates guideline” sounds stupid. Of course people generally do make things up as they go along. But it is good to have some idea of what is “normal” for your peer group as you make these decisions, IMHO. Also, I sorta think that if it doesn’t “feel right” after three dates, it probably never will.
Ariana — well, we don’t get the nookie like our peers in TV!
Hm. I might ask friends what they think, but honestly, this is one area where I pretty much follow my own instincts and don’t really take what other people do into account. I don’t think of a three-date rule (or guideline, or what have you) as too long or too short, but rather too inhibiting. Every situation is different; I don’t want to frame a new relationship with prior rules or expectations.
i agree wholeheartedly with Dana…
I think this is a topic that is very personal and shouldn’t have a set “rule” or “guideline”…i mean, if someone waits to sleep with you…there may very well be a good reason for it-do you know what may have/have not have happen in said person’s past?
Dana — Hmm indeed. Well, maybe knowing the prevailing social mores is more useful for guys, since we generally do the initiating? You don’t want to offend someone by being too forward, too early. On the other hand, if someone’s
a prudesexually conservative, I don’t want to date them either (no offense to the people who are saving themselves until marriage).I remember when I started dating post-college … I went to a pretty liberal college and it took me a little while to realize that hooking up in the real world was generally not going to be like college life.
Flygirl — Yeah, but I like dating fun, carefree girls, not ones who are still recovering from some past trauma. However, I hope everyone finds someone….
ADDENDUM 3/17: Researching this article, I found this post of Heather’s that quotes my buddy Benjamin Wagner on a “three-month rule.” So of course I was curious.
(13:19:32) derek: so you’ll be doing brooklyn tomorrow?
(13:20:22) derek: i wanted to ask you what your 3-month rule is … i discovered a post of heather’s mentioning you and it while doing research for my latest blog-post
(13:23:57) ben: no to bk
(13:24:00) ben: not ready
(13:24:07) ben: re: three months, no sex for three months
(13:24:57) ben: build a sound emotionally imtimate foundation
(13:25:06) ben: before the faux-sexual intimacy foundation
(13:25:09) ben: seems to work
(13:26:19) ben: you can quote me
(13:26:20) ben: 🙂
(Soooo, flygirl, you can rest easy knowing all guys don’t have the same attitudes as mofo and me…)
why thank you derek, i can sleep better at night knowing this now-really 🙂
One month rule for me. Doesn’t matter about the number of dates. Of course, that’s just a minimum. I’ve gone longer than that. Frankly, I find it fun to hold off on the full on sex thing. It allows for some creativity to come into play, which wouldn’t necessarily get explored if sex were on the table.
That said, it is sometimes hard to keep with the one month rule, especially if the lady in question is particularly insistant.
Jon, I’m sure it does allow for a lot of creativity… but is this really your only reason for this one-month rule? I know we’ve talked about this a little, but I’m curious (since you’ve brought it up) to hear you explain your reasoning to a wider audience … don’t be shy or modest, now!
Yes, I’m married, but that doesn’t mean I’m old or ultra-conservative or a prude, as you put it. I think you’d be surprised at the number of young people out there who want to wait, who respect themselves and others more, and above all honor God. I coach a high school track team and it is amazing how many of them are quite verbal about wanting to wait. I think it’s honorable.
Things tend to jump to sex particularly quickly in my relationships. I suppose I’m a manslut. 🙁 Actually, that’s not true.
I’m extremely, extremely picky about the girls that I date. My eyes don’t really buy in to obvious beauty, though I can at the least recognize it. Nor does a simple, average personality interest me. So I might have have a habit of going very, very fast with the women that I date, but I don’t find many that I’m captivated by. It keeps me seemingly unslutty.
Hey Meredith, I should not have used that word prude, even though I did cross it out. I am not religious but am all about respecting people’s choices, and I certainly respect yours on this.
Is this third date with someone you knew already, or third date with someone you met only recently? A third date with someone you really didn’t know before may just be too soon to have sex, for a number of reasons.
You don’t necessarily know someone by a third date, and if you’re a girl, you’re not sure if he’s going to stick around. It you’re hoping for a relationship, you can really end up feeling very emotionally used if you get dumped after you sleep with him on a 1st, second or 3rd date. If you wait until, say, a fourth or fifth date, and you have sex, and it doesn’t work out, at least you won’t feel as used, and you won’t think you made a mistake by going too fast and taking away the mystery. Plus, you’ll feel more comfortable with someone and the sex will be better.
What I’ve realized is that if you dont’ really know someone, it makes the after-sex part REALLY awkward. Instead of saying things like “Wow, I’ve been wanting to do that for a while” or “that was great,” you’re kind of tongue tied because all of the steam you had an hour ago, all the curiosity, is gone, and you don’t have enough of a foundation to feel happy you’re lying next to that person. And then you have to figure out whether to leave or stay…it’s too much drama for something that should be a hot, passionate act.
Maybe I’m being girlish and putting too many emotions into it, but it IS emotional for me. I can’t just hop in da sack with someone I don’t know, and feel excited about it. If I wanted to, I’d go out to a bar and do that right now.
This is, of course, my female perspective. If you’re dating just to have sex, that’s another story. If you want a relationship, I don’t see what the harm is in waiting a few dates to do it – considering that you have all the time in the world to keep on doing it afterward. Why have sex when you barely know someone and there are emotional and maybe even health risks?
I’d rather be dumped by someone because he thought I was a prude for waiting than be dumped by someone because we just had sex and now I’ve become boring to him.
You say: “Also, I sorta think that if it doesn’t “feel right” after three dates, it probably never will.”
I agree. Heck, sometimes it ‘feels right’ after one date. But after one date, you’re not completely sure how the other person REALLY feels, even if you feel that you want them. It takes a few dates to find out sometimes.
That’s why the rule is actually used – in my case, it prevents me from doing something I might regret later. It safeguards me emotionally. If I like someone enough to have sex with him, I don’t want to never hear from him again after I’ve gotten all nekkid and vulnerable. It’s a lot easier to take if it’s been four or five dates, because we’ve actually both made effort and it’s not a fly-by-night thing. This also might change with age. A girl who’s in college might not be as relationship focused. Someone who is in her 30s might have already had enough random sex.
One final thought – obviously I was considering a three date rule as an “at least,” but that’s for actual sex. I also agree that there should be some nookie by the third date. If someone isn’t attracted to you by then, they probably won’t be ever, like you said.
Kissing, hot lust, whatever, is all fine from my perspective on the first few dates…I just think getting really really intimate brings a lot of other matters into play that can be confusing with someone you just met.
Unless, again, you’re only in it for pure nookie.
CL: note that I said I didn’t expect to have sex by the third date. (although I have and it has worked out fine. For some of my longer relationships, I think I had sex on the second date).
I just said I expected “some nookie — not necessarily the whole kit and caboodle, but definitely something more intimate than making out in the back seat of a taxicab.” I am not going to define exactly what that might be, because I have no set expectations.
Yes, I agree with that. Some nookie is a must or near-must if you’re attracted enough to someone to go on a third date.
I’m sure that early sex sometimes works out fine, too. I just think it protects you (esp. females) emotionally to wait longer than 2-3 dates. If you’re not so worried, go for it. Some of us are just more cautious, and I think it’s not a bad rule to use.
Americans finally realize the try-before-you-buy works just as well with sex as it does with commodities. Rather than marrying and then shacking up with hot sex coming after the nuptuals, Americans are increasingly putting out before putting on the wedding rings.Women are just as likely as men to get it on before matrimony.
I think this is just the sign of the times. I mean, we like to test things, try them out, before making a purchase. Why should sex and marriage be any different? The stigma associated with pre-marital sex is dead. Long live free love!