So twice in the past month I’ve tried to explain flirting to grown men. How the hell do you explain something like that?
The first time was in the comments section of T.A.B.’s blog. I understand he first started dating at age 30, so I guess his confusion isn’t surprising. The second guy, who we’ll call “Ezequeel”, is actually an engaging and relatively good-looking guy who I was surprised would want or need guidance.
(And I dunno why he asked me in particular. I’d like to think I’m, y’know, mildy charming, but certainly no guru … “I’ve seen you talk to woman,” my friend Tallman told me the other day, “you can be pretty awkward.” Hmpf. I can be tounge-tied at times, but like to think I have good game when the chemistry is right…)
Anyway, here was my attempt to explain flirting, I did the best I could. Posted with Ezequeel’s permission.
ezequeel: what I mean is, how do you implement game
derek72: by flirting
ezequeel: flirting hoe
ezequeel: how
derek72: how do you flirt?
ezequeel: nowhere near as well as you
ezequeel: so you talk and i’ll listen
derek72: well
ezequeel: you know what you’re doing
derek72: it is all about confidence
derek72: i’m not nearly as smooth as some
derek72: confidence, and making a girl feel good
derek72: but i think really often sometimes girls do the choosing
ezequeel: you mean compliment her and shit?
derek72: noooo!
derek72: TEASE HER
ezequeel: so what do you mean by making her feel good
derek72: teasing
derek72: but not mean teasing
derek72: fun teasing
ezequeel: give me 2 examples
derek72: Hmmm
derek72: I’m not sure if i can
ezequeel: even two bad examples
derek72: well good eye contact
derek72: and body language
derek72: and had my body turned toward her
derek72: like, if you’re in a threesome, you can turn toward her, not not in a group like you’d normally be
ezequeel: ok…
ezequeel: but what about the actual talking
derek72: Hmm
derek72: well you kind of exaggerate
derek72: like not your words
derek72: but how you say them
derek72: like i try to be expressive and a little larger than life
derek72: and give her my entire attention
derek72: and if there’s something i can tease her about, that’s great
derek72: you have to read the signs
derek72: you can start out slow
ezequeel: ok
ezequeel: give me an example of good teasing
ezequeel: and bad teasing
derek72: and then if things go well, you can do more
ezequeel: make up a girl
ezequeel: and tell me right way vs. wrong way
(This might have been a lame example. But how do you explain this? I tried to think of some good flirting scenes from movies, but couldn’t come up with any off the top of my head).
derek72: well something about them might lend itself to silly questions
ezequeel: what would be a good flirting way and what would be a bad way
derek72: okay suppose a girl has really nice eyes
ezequeel: perfect
ezequeel: nice eyes
ezequeel: shoot
derek72: you could be like, do you get a lot of guys complimenting you on your eyes
derek72: but then the questions get sillier and sillier
derek72: “do you find men just melt when you look at them?”
derek72: “have you ever considered eye modeling?”
derek72: “do you have to spend a lot of time working on eyeshadow”
ezequeel: this is gold
ezequeel: see, that is teasing
ezequeel: ok now give me an example of bad flirtinhg
derek72: well you need to get feedback
derek72: you know, she needs to be giggling when you say things like that
ezequeel: ok
derek72: or at least smiling
ezequeel: do you agree with the policy of setting an internal time limit on conversations with women
derek72: no! [I’d never heard of this one? A time limit?]
ezequeel: ok
ezequeel: do you agree that you shouldn’t leave and mention the next meeting?
ezequeel: meaning call her but don’t say you will
derek72: hmm. it sorta depends on how it goes to some extent
derek72: if you make out with a girl, and really like her, i think you can just be like “when can i see you again?”
derek72: if you don’t make out,… if you’re feeling bold you can ask for another date then and there, or you can just be like, “hey, thanks for a a good time”
So that was my whole philosophy of flirting. Anyone else have any advice?
P.S. The Mofo reminds me of this time, about a decade ago, when I was apparently trying to chat up some girl at the Press Room bar in Portsmouth, N.H. with some Seinfeld-esque analysis of jacket zippers. I just vaguely remember it, but apparently she told me, “Are you trying to flirt with me, or are you just retarded?”
P.P.S. Just for the record, I should note that I made a few minor edits to that IM conversation for privacy reasons. We actually went on to discuss making the first move, but I’m not going to share that with y’all.
“Are you trying to flirt with me, or are you just retarded?”
priceless!
I bet you are really smooth with the ladies!
So cute that men need flirting tips.
I think your examples were good. You didn’t have a lot of context to go on. If you were at some sort of event, you could use something about the event to tease or joke about. Or even some object in the room. That’s a little smarter than a girl’s eyes and gives her more to go on.
Like, if you are both at a book reading, you could say something about the book, the other people at the event, bla bla bla, or just ask her a question about why she came.
I think just trying to flirt with a girl, even in a nerdy or unsure way, is flattering to her and charming.
An example of bad teasing would be something that makes her uncomfortable about her appearance, obviously. Example of failed teasing from Napoleon Dynamite: “Are you drinking skim milk because you think you’re fat? Because you’re not.” I mean, I can see he was trying, but.
Speaking of Seinfeld … have you considered just taking IT out?
Elizabeth, in my defense, I was probably like six or seven sheets to the wind at the time. “Alcohol may have been a factor,” as we’d write in the police blotter…
Plus, like I said, that was a decade ago.
I loathe flirting, probably because I’m not very good at it. I just try to have good conversation without giving myself rules on “being larger than life” and whatnot.
Flirting is easy. And altho not bi, I even flirt with females when goofing around.
I think it’s easy like riding a bike is easy … easy if you know how.
T.A.B., trying to have a good conversation is the main part of it.
Not according to Derek.
well, he does focus on conversation. teasing, joking, etc. are part of it.
But he seems to focus on conversation with tactics and motives behind it. Not straight-out honest conversation.
I would say flirting is at least half non-verbal … body language & eye contact. And of the verbal half, it’s probably at least half not what you say, but how you say it.
“Straight-out honest conversation” sounds boring to me.
Flirting is a key component of all sexual relationships and even some non-sexual relationships. One of the most important ways to flirt or recognize an opportunity to flirt is in eye contact.
It has been said that eye contact is the window to a persons soul. I agree that eye contact is a crucial skill to identify and master.
Reading a woman’s eye contact isn’t really that difficult at all. The main problem most men have is that they haven’t tried it with enough women to notice some common signals of interest. Once you’ve field tested this dating tip, you’ll start to recognize the signs that a woman is attracted to you with ease.
For more info on eye contact and other flirting tips visit
http://publicflirt.com
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