Barry Schwartz, author of the Paradox of Choice, explains in a five-minute video how “greater freedom and more choices often make us feel worse.” It’s interesting, I thought, and goes to that post on dating I had earlier … too many choices “produces paralysis, rather than liberation,” Schwartz argues.
It’s the same psychobabble. If I meet someone I am even moderately happy with and physically attracted to, I ain’t going to get on jdate to see what else is out there. Maybe at 22 I would have, though. If they’d had such a thing.
Yeah, but your feeling of “happy with and attracted to” is influenced by the choice option.
On the other hand, if you use Jdate, you probably don’t have as much choice as most people because you probably limit yourself to dating Jewish people or at least are sharply biased in that direction. So you are kind of proving the guy’s point anyway.
Reminds me of an orthedox friend of mine, probably went on about five serious dates before he found his wife. Each date was arranged by a family network that couldn’t have been too broad. He didn’t seem to have that much choice, but boy he beat most or even all of my friends to the punch in terms of how old he was when he married.
I agree with the “too much choice” concept, but only to a degree. I don’t think you can extrapolate it to romantic relationships (which are based to a large degree on emotion) in the same way you can compare it to purchasing goods (where you can do some research, compare hard facts and make a logical decision). I’m curious about, in your earlier post, why the correlation between the number of iPods vs wedding rings doesn’t lead the writer in that case to causation. That is, he could’ve just as easily concluded that there are more iPods out there that wedding rings, and therefore so many people are listening to their iPods that they aren’t spending time meeting each other and thus not getting married.
There have always been a great many people out there to meet, whether through the internet at bars, in the supermarket, or via any other means. Limiting yourself to where you’ll meet someone with common interests or cultural background is good, be it through jdate, a running club, or whatever, but when it comes right down to it, it’s probably our own emotional issues that get it the way more than the choice.
I don’t think that iPod/wedding ring was implying casuation on either side.
I guess my point is, if you’re constantly meeting fun and attractive new people, it can be hard to “just pick one” and stop the merry-go-round. But maybe that is just something I see from observing my circle of friends…
If it’s that hard to just pick one, then maybe the person doing the picking isn’t in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship. That’s not necessarily a bad thing; dating different people just for fun has its place in the grand scheme of things as well.
A person who is relationship-oriented generally has some idea of the kind of person he or she wants to meet and the attributes that are clearly deal-breakers, and those are natural choice-limiting factors. In the early stages of a relationship, I also think it’s natural to continue being open to dating other people for a while. I’ve always felt that making a relationship exclusive is something best mutually decided, preferably when the emotions start kicking in.
hey, folks, “jdate” was just being used as an example of a dating site. my point was that a good relationship, and someone you’re really happy with, aren’t easy to find. the fact that we theoretically have more choices, including internet sites, doesn’t make me give up a good relationship any quicker.
and as a woman commented above, dating is emotional, not like buying merchandise. so, yes, good PEOPLE may be easy to find, but there are a lot more steps to take before you get into a relationship. you can find a good person who is not that into you, or you can find a good person who is not ready for a relationship, or you can find a good person whose parents hate you, or you can find a good person who goes back to his or her ex, or you can find a good person and be sexually incompatible, or disagree on whether to have kids or not, or who turns out to be taken, etc., etc., etc….
as for Derek’s circle of friends, can the merry-go-round really be that exciting after a while? they may meet lots of fun and attractive people, but fun and attractive are only two of many other qualities that in the end might give you reason to look forward to coming home at night.
of course, what my mom said when i was little is still true: some people can only fall in love a few times, while others can date a whole range of people. if you are the type who is easily attracted, then yes, choice might be confusing. but i think that even for those people, finding someone who’s available at the right time and right place and etc. etc. isn’t always easy.
when women and men don’t have choices, they sometimes end up in abusive relationships or unhappy ones.
Derek, the iPod/wedding ring post wasn’t just implying causation, it directly stated it, in bold: “Too much choice makes people less likely to commit.” My point was to criticise this by saying you could just as easily draw a cause and effect relationship between the iPod wearers and lack of wedding rings. Sorry if I wasn’t clear on this.
And as a man, I can truly say that the “merry-go-round” of new woman coming into my life never gets old. However, my lack of commitment is more based on my issues than the amount of choices I have.
Skylight, okay, I see your point now. Can I ask what issues you’d say you have? Just curious.
A girl you know, don’t you have any friends who just go from six-month relationship to six-month relationship, with only tiny breaks in between? I sure do…
My issues? How much time for reading comments do you have?
Let’s just say the only female I have room for in my life right now is my cat!
Six months? I would like to hear more about what makes it end after six months. Do these friends just routinely get bored with whoever they’re dating?
The bigger question is: Is it possible to keep at least some of the excitement going for longer than six months?
Or maybe they just need to do a better job of finding someone GREAT, not just GOOD – if people like that are out there.
I wonder if maybe the friends you are thinking of keep dating the same kind of women, who have some good characteristics and not enough substance. The reason to hang onto a longer relationship is because you are really really happy with someone and respectful of the over all others. If everyone you meet is pretty much the same, then it may be that you’re not thinking about the things that really matter enough.
Then again, from my perspective, it’s only once in a while I meet someone I truly feel deeply for. If I met someone I liked every six months, I suppose my answers might be different. I think it may be different for girls.
Actually, some of the people I know who dart from medium-length relationship to medium-length relationship are girls … attractive girls who have no problems meeting guys they enjoy dating. Like I said, more choices = less committment.
that still doesn’t answer the question. what makes them leave after 6 months?
maybe they just aren’t looking for commitment then.
Well, that’s what this whole post was about. Watch the video!
That could be true in some instances, but not necessarily all thet time. Six months is a pretty good time frame for getting a sense of whether a relationship has long-term potential or not. People’s imperfections will generally be visible by then, and if the relationship does have long-term potential, within six months it’ll usually have a decent foundation. If it doesn’t, for some people that might be the right time to cut their losses.