I thought this was an interesting perspective from a 31-year-old woman’s POV on how the dating demograhics has changed as she got older:
Something in the online dating-verse has changed, or perhaps the men in my demographic have changed. Where once I had little trouble meeting cute, sexy guys who wanted to make out with me—and who, after a month or so of dating me, were chomping at the bit to be my boyfriend, I now found botomless ambivalence. Now they wanted to “hang out” or “sorta date” for months, and I’d keep them around for the semi-regular sex until I got fed up with knowing that neither of us was falling for the other and I’d break it off so we could stop wasting each others’ time. Where once I was meeting lots of outgoing graphic designers/photographers/video editors, now I was meeting underemployed, introverted grad students. What the fuck happened? Who stole all of the “oomph”?
More and more profiles began to emphasize spontaneously traveling for months at a time, or used the word “fun” 10 times within a paragraph. You know, I get it: you’re flaky and on the rebound and you don’t own a thesaurus.I soldiered on with the dating, trying to make like Beckett and “fail better.” Around the time I started this blog, I began to develop theories about my dating demographic. A lot of the guys who are doing the online thing at 30ish have been broken up with—usually horribly and usually with a live-in. They thought they had found it, but it turned out they were wrong. They haven’t been “out there” for years and are as intimidated as they are still licking their wounds; their friends and families are encouraging them to make an effort, and this—online dating—is their first tentative step back. They worry that the the stakes are higher now that they’re in their 30s, that everyone (both women and men) has less patience with a realtionship that doesn’t lead to something. They’re rusty with directness and approaching, and forget what it’s like to be back at square one with relationships and intimacy. By that I mean they remember what it’s like to be deep in it (and that’s just been shredded) but forget that the journey from strangers to intimates took a long time; they remember the mountain, but not how long it took to climb it. I’ve been there, too, and it’s scary. The thing is though, I’m in a different place than that. I’m ready to like someone, to peel back the edges, and I don’t want to be someone’s rebound, and there’s nothing wrong with my being fed up at this state of affairs.
My other theory, formed after dates that gave me a somewhat dimmer view of men, was that this is what’s left. The flakes who have been floating around for the last decade, who think their aimlessness makes them mysterious, or artistic, or interesting. What it makes them is underemployed, rootless, often shallow futon-dwellers. I dated my share of these guys when I was a younger, underemployed futon-dweller myself—but my needs were simpler then: great sex, a couple of white Russians, a slice, and I was good to go. But now I like having my queen-sized Sealy Posturepedic, knowing that my utilities aren’t getting cut off for nonpayment, and not using my laundry quarters for beer money.
Actually, this is not interesting– this is the same tripe lots of single women in their 30s say about dating. She has failed to grasp that by using the Internet as a way to meet men, she has limited the sort of man she’s likely to meet– which is the sort that has only one thing in common with her: the urge to meet someone else. That’s not conducive to building a solid relationship.
This woman mentions nowhere any attempts she might make at meeting men in the real world (although she complains about men not attempting to meet her that way). She mentions nowhere what she brings to the table as a potential girlfriend, and why she might be better than any of the countless other single women out there. In fact, she doesn’t really mention anything other than complaint, and reminds me as a single man that lots of times, spending a Friday night in front of my flat screen TV rather than wooing the likes of her is a much better deal.
Actually, I guess I should have quoted how she ended that blog-post:
When I broke up with S. I did try my hand at online dating and even went to a speed-dating class when I was still licking my wounds. But I agree, those sort of things just suck. Well I do know people for whom it has worked, including my recently-married friend Dylan who met his wife on Friendster, but in general I think it is far more efficient to meet people in the real world.
Efficient? Maybe not. Effective? Yes.
But married or ‘taken’ friends SHOULD shower single friends with invites and offers to fix each other up, without having to be pressed. That doesn’t happen enough in today’s world. Those same married people look down on singles, acting as if they are being too “picky” without helping them out. Friends don’t let friends e-date!
I must say I related to the original poster a fair bit. (I turn 30 on Tuesday.) I think I need to raise my standards rather than lower them! No more single beds on the floor for me! I consider myself a ‘career girl’, yet I rarely seem to meet ‘career guys’ (who are also intelligent and interesting and have good taste in music). Curiously, as I get older my boyfriends get younger and younger. My first serious boyfriend was 11 years older, now I’m down to three years younger! I’ve never tried on-line dating. But if you meet people by going to gigs or parties, it seems the single ones just seem to be younger! The older ones are at home with their girlfriends. Or on-line, I guess. You’re never too old for MySpace!