Joy Jones had an article in the Washington Post the other day about the disintegration of the institution of marriage in the black community.
She says — with good reason, I think — that this could be a harbinger things to come in society at large. Not that I think marriage is going to disappear or anything, but with fewer and fewer men proportionately graduating from college and men getting less and less literate, there are going to be consequences for women who want to marry an equal…
From Jones’ piece:
Among African Americans, the desire for marriage seems to have a different trajectory for women and men. My observation is that black women in their twenties and early thirties want to marry and commit at a time when black men their age are more likely to enjoy playing the field. As the woman realizes that a good marriage may not be as possible or sustainable as she would like, her focus turns to having a baby, or possibly improving her job status, perhaps by returning to school or investing more energy in her career.
As men mature, and begin to recognize the benefits of having a roost and roots (and to feel the consequences of their risky bachelor behavior), they are more willing to marry and settle down. By this time, however, many of their female peers are satisfied with the lives they have constructed and are less likely to settle for marriage to a man who doesn’t bring much to the table. Indeed, he may bring too much to the table: children and their mothers from previous relationships, limited earning power, and the fallout from years of drug use, poor health care, sexual promiscuity. In other words, for the circumspect black woman, marriage may not be a business deal that offers sufficient return on investment.
… The turning point in my own thinking about marriage came when a longtime friend proposed about five years ago. … As I reviewed the situation, I realized that all the things I expected marriage to confer — male companionship, close family ties, a house — I already had, or were within reach, and with exponentially less drama. I can do bad by myself, I used to say as I exited a relationship. But the truth is, I can do pretty good by myself, too.
Most single black women over the age of 30 whom I know would not mind getting married, but acknowledge that the kind of man and the quality of marriage they would like to have may not be likely, and they are not desperate enough to simply accept any situation just to have a man. A number of my married friends complain that taking care of their husbands feels like having an additional child to raise. …
“If Jesus Christ bought me an engagement ring, I wouldn’t take it,” a separated thirty-something friend told me. “I’d tell Jesus we could date, but we couldn’t marry.”
Can’t comment on the racial aspect of this topic, although I’ve read much the same thing elsewhere. Having been divorced, though, I can tell you this: I would never remarry if I felt I was walking into a situation where my partner made me less than I am.
What does “making me less than I am” mean? It doesn’t mean that it’s a problem if he makes less money than I do. Money itself is no big deal. If our financial goals and priorites aren’t aligned, though, that’s a sign that he’s going to be a drain on me, and that takes away from my ability to fulfil my own goals, and in some ways, my own potential. In addition to that, if I have to give up doing the things that really matter to me in order to be with someone else, I’m at risk of losing part of my own identity, and that’s not acceptable. I don’t know that I want to think of it as negative ROI, but these are certainly ways in which a relationship can be detrimental to at least one partner, if not both. The impact is little to nothing if the relationship is just for fun, but if it’s something that needs to be approached from a long-term perspective, at this stage in my life, it’s a deal-breaker.