dating and luck

There was some discussion on this blog lately about dating and luck. However I do not really believe in luck when it comes to dating. Why? Because I am a guy, I have to make my own luck.

Guys and girls really have very different experiences on this front I think.

For example, when I first started dating one ex-girlfriend I asked her if she only seriously dated guys of her own religion. “Oh no,” she said. “Anyone who pays attention to me.”

That is really most girls’ experience in a nutshell. To be successful at dating yes they have to expend an awful lot of effort going to the gym, dressing well and looking good. But then it is just a question of who ends up pursuing them.¹

For guys you need to be actually on the pursuit — and risking rejection. And let me tell you: when I am rejected I never blame it on “luck.” When the cute British intern is busy twice in a row when I ask her to lunch, when the gorgeous actress I met at a Coppersmith’s with Tallman doesn’t return my calls, that is not because I am “unlucky.” It is because I wasn’t charming enough, wasn’t interesting enough, wasn’t handsome enough, or just hadn’t spent enough time at the gym.

And when I do decide to pursue a girl, it is not because she is “lucky,” it is that I’ve seen something in her. (Not that I am oh-such-a-great catch, but a) I think I could make the right girl happy and b) I’m sure this holds true even for New York’s most eligible bachelors)

Basically as a guy you get instant feedback in the form of rejection, so it’s hard to blame that on “luck.” But women do not typically know when they are being rejected, when a guy gives them a second glance but then decides not to ask them for a phone number. Yes there are times when girls are rejected and know it — like when a guy gets a number and then never calls — but they are far more frequent for men.

Also I think blaming one’s lack of success in the dating realm on “luck” is a cop-out. It obviates the need to take responsibility for one’s love-life. I mean, let’s face it: there’s many things “wrong” with each and every one of us. All of us have flaws and could use some self-improvement. After S. and I broke up, I spent a lot of money on new clothes, spent more time at the gym, moved back into the city and tried to be less of a slob. (still working on that last one, but improvements have been made). I know I have other flaws to work on, like being more considerate of others. And all of us could probably stand improvements in our “game” when it comes to meeting the opposite sex. (or the same sex, for those who swing that way).
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¹ Okay yes some girls do ask guys out, but not too many, I think I’ve been asked out twice in my life.