So I have been kinda addicted to the new Glamor dating blog, See Alyssa Date. V. interesting. I must admit I have chronicled some of my dates for my friends’ benefit since last summer’s break-up. However doing so publicly seems like a dangerous thing for a guy, I think I would get a can get a bad reputation. Who wants to read about a guy doing his best (with varying degrees of success) to play the field? Although really what I am looking for is a long-term relationship, honestly.
But at the moment my plate is completely empty. I was rather excited about the girl from Nikki Beach I took to a gay bar the other day, but it looks like she’s moving to L.A. (Boo!) And I have decided I need to give up on the v. confused uber-hottie I’ve been pursuing for months now.
As part of some project she’s working on, Heather Hunter asked me yesterday to describe my perfect woman. In three sentences. This is what I came up with:
My perfect girl would run marathons with me, go hiking with me and share my love of the Boston Red Sox. She’d be fun, silly, social person who enjoys getting drunk and dancing on tables. She’d be passionate about her job, curious about the world and interested in pop culture and current events.
But of course no one is perfect, I certainly don’t expect all of those things. So what do I want? Someone accused me of making looks my No. 1 criterion, but that isn’t really true. In fact over the past week or three I’ve done something thinking about what I actually want in a woman. So here is my real list of criteria.
1. Heterosexual. (or bi). Very important.
2. Emotionally available. Not scared of a real connection with someone.
3. Fun! Into skipping through airports, dancing on tables, or drinking red wine at piano bars into the wee hours of the morning.
4. Re-emphasize point #1. MUST … LIKE … MEN.
5 (tied). Whip-smart.
5 (tied). Hot … or, preferably, hottt.
7. Fit/athletic.
8. What’s the name of that Jennifer Weiner book? Uninhibited.
9. Not a “chatty Cathy” or (usually) into 40-minute phone conversations. Annoying!
10. Not knee-jerk, self-righteous or dogmatic in her politics. Politically humble.
11. Prefers penises to va-jay-jay. (see #1)
12. Curious about the world, interested in current events. (maybe a journalist!)
13. A runner! Or a biker.
14. Loves the outdoors, enjoys hiking.
15. Knows stuff. Reads books, magazines and newspapers. Up on the zeitgeist.
16. Loves baseball, preferably the BoSox.
17. Over 5’4″, give or take a few inches.
18. 28-32, give or take a few years.
Let the field day begin. . .
🙂
I feel those are v. reasonable criteria! And only about the first dozen are dealbreakers, really. There is room for flexibility.
Sheesh, have you had bad luck with girls who like girls but told you they like men?? I ask bc you’re rather insistent about the hetero point… haha
Hi Derek, Friend of Laren’s…first visit to your blog. Looking forward to meet you on the 12th. You will definitely be meeting a lot of women who meet criteria 1, 4 & 11. And 5 (both). Can’t speak to all the other items, you’ll just have to figure that out yourself!
Tom, without getting too personal, let’s just say I’ve decided that should be a v. important quality to look for in a woman. In fact my friend (and sometimes blog-commenter) Caren sent me these Weezer lyrics the other day, let’s just say they spoke to me:
The mere fact you wrote 1,3,5,8, & 11 is totally retarded. Dude, you got issues – it’s like telling others you’re fun to be around….. if it has to be said rather than simply understood, it’s probably a stretch. In this sense, since you have to point these things out about a woman, you’re definitely uptight.
And please, rather than being stoked by the chance of her being bi, you’d be totally nervous that she’d one day be hot for another woman.
All other things being equal, a ‘chatty Cathy’ – what you yourself just called an annoyance – is a dealbreaker? Really?
(And I say this as someone who has never understood how people can be on the phone for extended periods of time with someone who lives in the same city.)
You are making me laugh and cry at the same time…..I love reading your blog!
Shallow – uptight? Meeeeeee?
But seriously dude, I am not pointing them out a woman, I’m pointing them out to me. Capeche?
Also, as far as getting nervous goes, I am not really a possessive or jealous person.
Sempre – yes yes absolutely that is a dealbreaker. That is a huge dealbreaker in fact. I want to enjoy talking to my girlfriend not find conversations with her annoying. And there are plenty of people who I do find annoying to talk to … they are just me-me-me, really more monologues than dialogues. No thanks.
And I am an interviewer, that’s part of my job, i enjoy hearing people talk about themselves! But there’s a way to do it that’s engaging.
People sometimes accuse me of being quiet, that’s because I would rather be silent than bore someone. So I am not usually that chatty unless I know I have someone’s attention and am engaging them. At least that is the hope.
Yelbris, glad you find it amusing!
Perhaps willingly taking a woman to a gay bar may have sent the wrong signal. Just saying. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
Naw, that didn’t have anything to do with anything. I’m very straight.
[…] Okay, so I’ve criticized online dating before as a waste of time… but my ego has been a little bit bruised lately after some stuff I don’t really want to get into. (Let’s just say I’ve been barking up a wrong tree??). So what the hell, I may as well throw my hat into the ring, right? It can’t hurt, can it? […]
I think you should include some of this in your profile. I don’t think any of it is unreasonable to at least hope for, even if you won’t get someone perfect. And I found repeating the into-men thing kind of funny.
Glad you liked the Weezer lyrics. 😉
I don’t get it. You’re a total hottie and you have such reasonable expectations. I’m making some new girlfriends in NYC, so I’ll have to keep an eye out for ya.
You’re a catch, D. Mmmhmmm, you are.
Thanks … it is not like I am complaining about dating, honestly. I have met a number of v. nice girls since I have been back “on the market” a year or so ago. But right now I got nothin’.
Ok, why in the world would you take a date to a gay bar? So what if you are secure with your sexuality? Your date will take it the wrong way!
[…] Okay so I am getting flack from my commenters about taking girls to gay bars. Not that I do this all the time, or often, but I have done so more than once. And I’ll do it again! Here’s why. […]
As comfortable or cool as a woman may be with going with you to a gay bar because the gays know how to have fun or put on a show, be assured that deep down they wanna know they’re with a man’s man. They may outwardly say “oh cool” or “he’s hip” or “how alan alda of him,” but trust me … trust tonya … the bells are ringing — and it ain’t wedding bells.
A man’s man isn’t worried about taking a girl to a gay place! And that is certainly not the only place I take my dates…
There is always an “ideal” mate in your mind. However, your preference is extremely shallow. If you can find a person who can match all of that criteria, I think I may win the lottery. She is probably already taken 10 years ago, or be ready to accept some flaws.
Good luck
So you agree that the pool of v. desireable women gets smaller as time goes on, and that many of the hottie mchotties are “snapped up” in their 20s?
For the most part yes. If you happen to find one that meets most of your criteria, be ready to be shocked with some emotionally baggage or flaw.
However, there are always exceptions. You are in New York City, and don’t tell me you can’t find a beautiful, intelligent and athletic female in their 30’s. If you can’t find one, I can certainly name more than 10 around my inner circle (men or women or gay or lesbian). Your pick
I’m working on it, have met a lot of v. nice girls, but everyone goes through a rough patch every now and then. (See my second paragraph). I will certainly bounce back before too long, though, don’t worry about that.
In the meantime I might be open to a set-up, if you really have a hot athletic girl for me … but she MUST LIKE MEN!!!
“So you agree that the pool of v. desireable women gets smaller as time goes on, and that many of the hottie mchotties are “snapped up” in their 20s?”
Hampton didn’t say that – he/she only said that someone who meets all of YOUR criteria might have been snapped up…then again, I don’t necessarily think all of your criteria are desirable for everyone. I’ll bet there are girls out there like that; you just don’t always happen to meet them in your circles. Nothing wrong with opening up the pool a little.
As I just got off a 12 hour flight, I can’t formulate an intelligent witty thought today if I tried … so I’ll just spill it. Damn, I wished I lived in New York.
you are not missing ANYTHING.
It was a feeble and sleepy attempt at flirting, girl.
Ha! Well maybe “Girl” was just dissing me. Actually I probably would have read your first comment the same way she did. But thank you. (unless I am reading too much into that).
Girl as for your earlier comment, c’mon give me a little credit, I’m a pretty social guy and am constantly meeting new people. I admit that some of my criteria is individual but a lot of it (like looks and smarts) is universal.
And like I’ve said a zillion times now: Of course there are v. desireable single people out there at any age, my contention is simply that they get scarcer as they get older.
girl and derek should hook up
Let’s say you both meet up at Scores?
I think I’m rolling my comments from a few posts into one here, so bear with me.
Maybe I’m just speaking from jet lag, but I don’t really think that anything off of your list is really individual … it all seems universal. In general, with some paramaters for relaxation on certain points, we all want to be with people who are as smart as us, as cute as us, as fit as us, and as interested in the generally same things as we are. Sprinkle that with some intrigue and interesting differences, and interest brews.
I think that’s pretty universal, really. And whether people like it or not, I’ll echo what you’ve said before here, Derek … we mostly end up with someone like us. People generally don’t “settle up”, whether that be with someone physically more attractive, or with someone whose income is amazingly higher than their own.
I went for lunch the other day, with five women in the group. Two were quite overweight, and not active, and were discussing their singledom. One said this very matter-of-factly: I will not date a hardcore fitness-oriented guy, unless I first become physically fit myself. The other overweight chick argued that all through the lunch.
I agree with #1. I’m not attracted to overweight / inactive men, not just in a physical sense, but because of my interests and my lifestyle.
It’s not a bad thing to want for our mates what we want for ourselves.
Oh, and … you’re very welcome. 🙂
D – I wasn’t dissing you in either comment. In response to Monday’s comment, I only thought she meant she wished she lived in New York in general. Now that I understand she was flirting, yes, being in Derek’s vicinity is worth enduring NY!
I wasn’t dissing you on the second comment eitha…I was just saying that everyone has different criteria. It probably came out wrong. In any case, I know you move in different circles – but it’s still sometimes hard to connect with the right people or person (it really only takes one right one…) so the internet can’t hurt (except for the time it takes). I agree that it’s not the best way to meet people. Best way is thru friends, so pony up, friends!!
“One said this very matter-of-factly: I will not date a hardcore fitness-oriented guy, unless I first become physically fit myself.”
Is that a case of her hoping to reject them before they can reject her? Guys are so mean about dating fat women in general, that I’d bet hardcore fitness-oriented guys wouldn’t seek out overweight women.
Girl,
With this woman in particular, I almost wish she was hoping to reject them first … because that would at least show some warped sense of self-esteem. No, she meant she knew she didn’t have a chance.
I agree with what you said, except I don’t necessarily think it’s deliberately ‘mean’ for a fitness-oriented guy to not want to be with an overweight woman. I think that’s pretty normal.
And I completely understood your comment about NY … I live in Vancouver but I ‘endured’ Toronto for five years.
I don’t think it’s mean for them to not want to date fat women. I think it’s mean the way some of them sound really cruel when they talk about it. There is nothing wrong with a guy saying he’s not attracted to fat women – we all have things we dislike. But you and I have probably both heard some pretty nasty comments.
I have overheard men and women say nasty things to fat people. I’ve never been overweight (if anything I was underweight in my late teens / early twenties) , but a friend of mine in university days put on a load of weight after having a baby. She talked a lot about how verbally abusive some people were to her about her weight.
I can totally see Derek dating a person with a little bit of Jessica Alba, Patrick Dempsey, Diane Lane and Anderson Cooper
I’d say more Dempsey and Cooper than Alba — not that there is anything wrong with that….
Dempsey and Cooper? Are you trying to say from his Blog he is more into females with beautiful piercing, a touch of intelligence and a bit of salt/pepper?
Isn’t Cooper jewish?
Well, I’ll have y’all know I have a date Thursday with this girl I met running yesterday along the Hudson River Park. Told you I wouldn’t be down in the dumps for long!
Good Luck on your date and please don’t take her to the gay bars. I am so excited for you! This is unfortunate at the same time because I have several single friends (in the health sector) that could be your “potential” dates. I hope this girl you are dating has the wit of Anderson Cooper and Patrick Wilson, eyes of Patrick and the fashion sense of Uma Thurman
Hee hee. Don’t be that excited, it’s just a first date! And I am certainly not closing myself off to meeting new people just because I have a single drinks-date! C’mon.
Too funny, Derek, I’m also going on a running-induced first date … we’ll have to compare notes!